I have a great topic for all you guys out there. And some girls too, if you just want to know how we guys think. Or you can be a hermaphrodite, whatever, it's cool. I don't judge.
Today in biology, we talked about Animal Reproduction. Yeah, sex. We talked about sex. Because we all know that when you talk about "animal reproduction" that only animals you actually talk about are human beings. Well, as we were continuing our discussion on the male reproductive organ, an interesting topic came up. I asked the question that has been bothering me since i reached puberty. I understand why a male gets an erection when we intend to, but why the hell do us guys get them randomly?
Before i get to the answer, i need to take a poll. To you guys reading this: Do you get those annoying, random hard-ons? Seriously, be honest. I know you do. Apparently, every guy does. Do you find them as annoying as i do?
I find nothing more annoying that walking around with a truncheon in your pants. It's so freakin uncomfortable. The worse part about them is not when they occur, but WHERE. Jeez, do mine occur at the worse moments. I know there are some horror stories out there, feel free to share them by leaving a comment, and mine are pretty horrific.
So lets begin this story hour with a nice one, and end it with a dreadful one.
I've had many incidences that come to mind when this topic is in my head. But 6-7 really awkward moments stand out above the rest.
1. Gym class. In the locker rooms back in middle school, everyone would walk around in boxers and go in the showers, but its cool because no one's gay. But then, one day, out of the blue i get a massive boner. Sweet jesus, was that awkward. I was walking around with a highlighter in my shorts trying to hide the fact from every guy in there. And to make things worse, my shirt was too damn short! I walked around like a priest with my hands together over my crotch. Luckily i wasn't caught but i sure did cut it close. I hate those random hard-ons. Why the hell did i get one in gym class? There weren't any women in the room! And no, i'm not gay. I'm straight, and my love can vouch for me.
SIX O'CLOCK...
2. Now this story, i must say, was one of the worst experiences in my life. I got the MOST RANDOM erection when i was visiting my mom's friend's grandmother at a nursing home. Ugh...i can't believe that i did. The worst part was that all the seniors were at sitting level and I'm about 6'3", so the first thing that saw when looking ahead was a huge lump in my pants. It was like a turtle was chillin in my boxers and his shell was bulging out for the whole world to see. It was soooo bad. I had to crouch down several times to greet people in wheelchairs and some random black lady was staring at me. I do hope she was staring at my face because if she wasn't, she got an eyeful of tree trunk. An instance like this really demands an answer to the almighty question of why the bloody hell do random boners occur?
3. Every day in school. Why? Why the bollocks? I want to know why i get them in random classes. Whether sitting in biology, english, physics or calculus, he goes from 6 o'clock to midnight everyday. He sure doesn't discriminate when i come to when he wants to rise. Some of the worst instances are when I'm giving presentations in English and i have to hide behind the podium and try to re-adjust myself why everyone is gawking at me because of some silly presentation. But the worst is when i happens in calculus... I'd be sitting down taking a very difficult calculus exam when a staff decides to materialize in my shorts. So bad that my shorts there were once below my knee are now above them. I'm trying to shift into a comfortable spot, while trying to think and while try to be inconspicuous. The problem is those that decide they can't do the test just decide to look around and end up gawking at me. Ugh... the worst was when i had to go to the restroom and i asked the teacher to excuse me. She was grading tests from previous classes and she looked up. Lets analyze that. She was looking down and then her eyes slowly moved from the horizon of the desk to my face. Her eyes passed over it...oh no...she's like 60 something and boy was it one of the most awkward moments ever.
4. The final, and worse one. Church. Yeah, all of you reading this just went "ohhhhh crap...", or something along those lines. Every single sunday at church, i get one. Without fail. And not a baby one, but a hardcore 30 minute bastard. For those who don't know about catholic churches, they require all the church goers to constantly sit, then stand, then kneel, then sit, then stand. Not only are we playing simon says with the priest as we stand and sit randomly, but near the end we all turn to each other and hold hands, shake hands, then get communion from the priest and leave. THebad thing is, how awkward is holding the hand of a 70 year old woman or a tiny little child or some ugly random chick sitting next to you and them and the people around you notice that you have a hard on? That is the most dreadful feeling ever. Ugh. The worst is when the short priest stares at me. I don't know if he notices. Boy, i hope not. But i don't think, now that i think about it. If they have, i would have been asked to a private confessional where i would be forced to really experience a twisred priest of the Catholic chruch. (not that i'm hinting at what past priests do to church going boys...)
...TO MIDNIGHT!
So, now that i'm done ranting, lets get to the heart of the conversation. Why do us guys actually get these random hard-ons? Well, according to my teacher, who is God, he says that the mind controls everything consciously and unconsciously. Which means, my mind could be in the gutter and i don't even know it! My brain my be a dirty little bastard because i get these boner all the time. It's getting annoying. Realllly annoying. But during the conversation, the AP chemistry teacher walked in a posed us a question. "What is the main sexual organ in all human beings?" Of course, our "smart" class yelled out sexual slang. But, then he said "the mind". Yes, i agree. The mind is THE sexual organ.
The smarter you are, the greater you are. Haha, if that's the case, MY MIND IS LONGER THAN YOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To all you FACT 2 & 3's out there, don't worry! Now you actually have an excuse to study!!!
What a naughty boy!!! We know why he's studying...
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